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It's Me, Your 14 Year-Old Son's Winter Jacket

Hi, I’m just reaching out from underneath the layers of vintage hoodies in the mudroom. You may have forgotten I was here (no worries; even I sometimes question my own existence) but I am, at the ready for useful service!

It’s been some time since you and your son argued in front of a 20% off rack at Sierra Trading Post in what seemed like a punishing (at least for you) negotiation to take me home. I hope your son is ok. He seemed unable to communicate except for eye rolls and mumbled grunts. Is he recovering from something? Godspeed to his health!

Anyway, I know that lately there hasn’t technically been an urgent need for me, with the crazy weather which is a result of you humans recklessly destroying your planet. No judgments here, I’m made of plastic myself. I admit lately I was a bit envious of the LL Bean rain slicker. He really could have demonstrated added value and cost amortization per wear this winter -- but it seems he’s also idle, languishing in a demoralized heap atop last summer’s unclaimed sock balls. Meanwhile the smug “hoodies” go out every day. Which I don’t mind, they have their place, but to think they could replace a jacket as protection in foul weather…. I mean, they used to be called sweatshirts and they’re still made of cotton. Genius branding whoever did that. We jackets should contact that marketer. “Outerwear” just isn’t aspirational. Anyway, I digress.

I want to thank you for advocating for me. Being a jacket, I am unable to do so for myself, and it’s nice to know someone has my back. Ha. Get it? I hear you nagging (is that the right word?) your son to wear me, or at least bring me with him every day at 7 am as he trudges to the bus stop (on the days you aren’t manipulated into driving him). Again, not judging, just observing. Which I have plenty of time to do from my post, which, I think I mentioned, I never leave. I’d love to go outside, since that is what I was made for. Are my tags still on? I think they are. You can remove them anytime. Unless you’re deliberately leaving them to get a better price on Facebook Marketplace, the ultimate destination of many of your abandoned hopes. Remember the snowshoes?

You know how your son says, “I’m not even going to be outside,” and you say, “What if there’s a fire drill at school and you’re outside for twenty minutes? You’re going to want that jacket then!” You go, girl!

He doesn’t seem to hear you and he does that upsetting eye roll / grunt thing, which seems to be a trigger for you. I don’t mean to be insensitive, and it’s probably none of my business but there’s definitely something wrong with your son. It really is asinine to go outside in January in New England without a jacket. Totally not judging, but even your father agrees, I heard him.

One of these days he’s going to realize he needs me. I just hope I’m still here that day to keep him warm and protect him, which I was made to do.


Your 14 year-old son’s winter jacket.

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