• Weekly Need

Things I Never Thought I'd Hear Myself Say (before I had children)

If you're like me, you may be approaching that point in your life when both your parents and your children are slowly becoming people you don't understand.

Rest assured the feeling is mutual. If you've ever uttered any of the sentences below to the small people you love, you can assume that they find you not only unreasonable, but legit batshit crazy. I have said these things. And I know.

I’m sorry, but you can’t live on white bread.

If you fart in my bed again, you’re not invited back.

Why are there peanuts and grass clippings in the tub?

Who used my expensive shampoo to make potion?

Because normal people don’t wear shorts outside in February.

Yes, we had telephones when I was your age. Cars, too.

Whose slime is this, and why is it on the rug?

Please take your hand out of your pants.

If it weren’t for Dr. Dre and Ice Cube none of your favorite “rappers” would even have a career. Have some respect!

Did you really just use your sock to blow your nose?

No one in this house is renting “Sausage Party” and that’s final. You may as well ask me to live stream porn.

There’s no nutritional value in Hi-Chews, and I can prove it.

You know how I come home every day and pick things up off the floor and put them away? You could do that, too.

So, your fist was clenched and extended, and your brother “ran into it?”

It’s my car and I’ll sing if I want to. Just be glad your friends aren’t here.

If you keep peeing on that tree, it will die.

If you’re old enough to watch “Sausage Party,” you’re old enough to fold laundry.

Stop bleeding on the couch!

You have to wear underwear. Please. I don’t know why but you do.

My job is to teach you to be a good person. Don’t make it harder than it already is.

I know you will find this hard to believe, but I know more about this than you do.

Well, if you don’t go to practice, how do you expect not to suck?

It’s a form of sanctioned misogynistic oppression to expect me to fold everyone’s laundry. Do you really want to be part of that?

Because Grandpa doesn’t have the best judgement about what movies you should watch.

Did you brush your teeth once during camp?

Explain Tik Tok to me again?

He’s a bad teacher, you just have to figure how to manipulate him.

“Manipulate” means be nice so you can get good grades.

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