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The Butterball Turkey Talk Line for Modern Thanksgiving Emergencies

The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line has been available for nearly 40 years to help concerned cooks through December 24. Many of the questions remain the same (How long does my turkey need to defrost? How often should I baste?) but the methods with which those in turkey turmoil get in touch with Butterball’s experts has expanded. Today you can connect with the Talk-Line through social media, live chat, texting — even Amazon Alexa.

Welcome to the Butterball Turkey Talk Line, here to handle your Thanksgiving Day questions, concerns and multi-generational angst leading up to the big meal.

This year, we’ve simplified things for the modern cook who’s mastered basting but perhaps not emotional intelligence or trigger boundaries. Please listen to the following menu carefully, as options have changed based on previous lawsuits.

If you “forgot” to defrost the turkey yesterday after spending six hours at Not Your Average Joe’s with your former college roommates, press star.

If your recently divorced mother just showed up with three drunken mahjong partners after expressly telling you she “didn’t want to be a bother,” press four.

Press 2 if you never dreamed your marriage of 23 years would come to an end over a discussion of whether bay leaves should go in stuffing.

Press 6 for a list of divorce mediators in your area code.

Press 7 if you really thought this year would be different.

Press 4 to be connected to Tinder.

If your great uncle has just revealed he has a criminal record as a sex offender, press one.

Press seven if your father-in-law has opened the oven again to “just check on the yams one more time.”

Dial 0 if your cousin brought her new partner and he’s wearing a MAGA hat with an NRA shirt and clogs.

Say "Alexa, Feign Medical Emergency" if your neighbor has overstepped with her "concern" about your husband's unicorn sculpting hobby.

Press 9 if you can’t find Grandpa.

If your sister is trying to reach you on the other line to gossip about the festivities she’s enduring at your brother Russell’s house, press # twice to request a callback in ten minutes.

Press * to join your sister in trashing your brother’s taste in wine.

Alternatively, say, “Alexa, what’s happening at Russell's house?“ to connect to the smart speaker hidden behind Russell’s microwave.

If you thought someone, anyone, might keep you company in the kitchen instead of watching football, press 7 to be connected to Colin Kaepernick.

Press 6 if you just caught your 12-year-old vaping in the shed when you went to “get some air.”

Press 3 if you’re apparently the only one at the table who doesn’t watch “This is Us.”

Press 4 to sext with Ray Donovan.

Press @#$%^ for suggested passive aggressive comments about the resident millennial's artisanal cranberry sauce.

Press 10 to play a round of “Would You Rather” with a random collection of Thanksgiving hosts across the country. Suggested opener: Would you rather sample Aunt Judy’s Sweet Potato Marshmallow Casserole with Doritos or be seated for the next two hours beside a person who somehow made it to middle age and a second home without knowing how to use bay leaves?

Text 123ABC if you feel the sudden need to break from Spotify’s Holiday classics with a little Motown, despite your complicated feelings about Michael Jackson.

Press 1970 if you feel time slipping through your hands like the tears of a melting polar ice cap.

Packing up leftovers? You can say, Alexa, ask the Butterball Turkey Talk Line where someone who was trying to be helpful hid the blue top to the square Tupperware that I just saw ten minutes ago?

To repeat this menu, hang up and go outside with your cell phone and a cigarette. Hide in the shed for several hours, then accidentally discover your ex husband’s weed stash in the wood chipper. Text EXIT-GAME to 1-800-Butterball and type your street address and preferred age.. We’ll send someone to the nearest street corner. Bring a suitcase, passport, and a baster.

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