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No, thank you.


Hello…? Yes, this is she. Who? Oh…right. Hi. Sorry who? Yes. Hi, hi! How are you?

No, I didn’t know your daughter was in Girl Scouts. Congratulations! When did you have a daughter? Oh wow, seven years ago, right, that must have been when I saw you at CVS picking up that prescription for…never mind. How are you? Hi!


No, Um…well the thing is, no I don’t really want to pre-order cookies. No boxes. Of any variety. Actually yes, I think I would rather be dive bombed in front of Stop & Shop by Ugg-wearing tweens, or accosted at the dump by relentlessly cheerful 4th graders bearing Thin Mints while I’m trying to unload my recyclable wine bottles….Hello?


I’m so sorry but no, I don’t want to buy your sponsored Ugandan family a goat this year. It’s not personal; I love goats, and I’ve never met a Ugandan family I didn’t like. But I bought them a cow last year - if you remember - and I was told that would last a while. Good point, I guess that does sound entitled and selfish. Do you want to just take these four bags of groceries from Whole Foods that I just spent $249 on? Would that work?


Why no, thanks, I don’t in fact want to order any fresh citrus varieties so your kid's Middle School Band can fly to Seattle to prove they’re better than that school’s band. I don’t have kids, and I have never been a fan of woodwinds.


You’re running the Boston Marathon? Wow! Are you out of your mind? No? You just want to raise money for your sister whose deadbeat former athlete husband left her for the part time nanny majoring in early childhood psychology? Can I just write you a check? Or here. Just take my car. And this bottle of Zoloft. It just occurred to me I don’t need it.


That’s so great that your five-year-old son has chosen to forego birthday gifts in exchange for my donation to some corrupt bureaucrat in a third world country whom he’s never met. Here, take this Elizabeth Grady coupon. I was going to get a facial, but you’ve reminded me how important it is to give back. Thank you.


It’s that time of year – crazy-ass overpriced popcorn from the Boy Scouts. How do I know? How do you think I sprained my ankle? Fleeing the strapping young bucks who were hell bent on selling me the Trifecta Tin – featuring Cheesy, Butter, and Caramel Calorie Horrification. There I was, exiting my local sustainably-sourced coffee shop with my nine dollar latte and they gave chase. I finally offered them $50 if they could stop me from eating the cheesy section in one go.


No, thank you, I do not want to order premium long-stemmed red roses for Mother’s Day while supporting the news and therefore the truth during these trying times when the truth matters most. As much as I love my mother, and the truth, she’s basically good with a phone call and a cheap card that spells out what I’m too lazy to write, or in fatter times, a boozy brunch where she ultimately confesses I’m her favorite child.


I don’t want cash back. If I did, it certainly wouldn’t be a dollar! Who requests a dollar for cash back? Oh…the machine wants to know if I’d like to donate $1 today to help find a cure for Alzheimer’s? What if I don’t want to? I just coughed up a small fortune on organic vegetables that will spend the next seven to forty days rotting in my fridge, and now I have to hand over my last dollar to cure Alzheimer’s? Why is that on me? I’m all for doing my part, I mean, of course, I’m just asking who thought I should be tasked with curing Alzheimer’s? I failed tenth grade science, I’m just saying. I’m totally going to get Alzheimer’s if I don’t donate, aren’t I? Yes, you’re right, I’m a horrible human being who’s going to Hell.


Julie, right? Is it Julie? With an “i-e”? I just want to make sure I spell the name correctly on the check I’m writing to someone at work I’ve never met or spoken to (even in a passive aggressive email) for a fundraiser involving her cousin who’s battling home foreclosure due to insurmountable medical bills incurred by a mysterious food allergy. I don’t mean to be insensitive (although, having no allergies, I believe other people’s allergies are 100% made up to get attention).


Thank you for the refrigerator magnet / calendar / address labels / free shiny new nickel. It was so nice of you to anticipate my current need for refrigerator magnet / calendar / address labels / free shiny new nickel. I will think of your organization every single time I use my refrigerator magnet / calendar / address labels / free shiny new nickel. And still I will not give you my money. You had faith that shame inducing psychology would work, but sadly for your organization, I am a horrible human being who’s going to Hell.

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