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Mother's Day Gift Ideas

Once again, children and anxious fathers everywhere are competing for the perfect Mother's Day gift. Just in time, here's the ultimate guide to what moms really want.  

Dear family...

You know we love the traditional Mother’s Day breakfast in bed. But it’s actually kind of hard sleeping, never mind staying in bed, until breakfast is “ready,” because our bodies are programmed to begin controlling the world at six a.m. every day. So, if you really want us motionless until 8:47 waiting for homemade waffles drenched in whip cream, a bud vase and handmade cards that make us cry, consider drugging us the night before to ensure we “sleep in” sufficiently. And don't forget the Bloody Mary. Good morning!

We know you mean well with the new nightgown, but if any of you have been paying attention you know that we haven’t worn anything involving lace or silk since our wedding night, and if it wasn’t appreciated then, it certainly won’t be now. We do appreciate the thought though. In the future, consider using the funds for Spanx, a waterproof, fleece-lined jumpsuit, or sensible shoes that have the dual appeal of comfort and sexual desirability.

We love fancy soap and well packaged candles just like your teachers and bus drivers do, but we have enough. Really. What would be a nice gift is if you could not use the expensive soap you gave us last year for your slime potion, and to actually light the candle following your “me time” in the bathroom.

Please give us more homemade jewelry made from household items. Just because we don’t wear the jewelry to work doesn’t mean we don't cherish it. Someday in the distant future when you’re at the mall vaping with your friends we will open the handmade keepsake box featuring your hand print, stare at the macaroni brooch and heave with self-pitying sobs.

Ditto the hang-able artwork featuring your face / hand prints / footprints. We can’t have enough, especially since the last time Dad “accidentally recycled” one, you nearly became the offspring of divorced people.

We'd also appreciate:

Lessons for the entire family on how to replace a bathroom hand towel in the towel ring after use. Surely there is a Groupon for this.

A full day of doing one thing at a time. Well.

Seven trips of unlimited duration to the bathroom, alone.

The immediate and permanent elimination of people who wander, zombie-like, through narrow supermarket aisles and rest stop bathroom entryways.

Flowers – we love them. And they don’t have to be expensive or oddly erotic. Hand-picked bouquets from the yard are fine. Unless they are from the neighbor’s yard. Please don't do that this year. Also, it would be great if they were free of insect eggs, bees, or poison ivy. Love you!

If you could manage to stop time, just for a bit, or even slow it down, we would appreciate it. Stay children a bit longer. Except for the minutes involving discussions about getting off your phone, whether or not you should be hanging out with Kevin, refusing to familiarize yourself with the dishwasher, farting on your brother’s head or convincing your sister she was adopted – we’d like to fast forward through those moments, please.

A word about hats – just don’t. Thank you anyway.

If you really want to outdo yourselves (and your brothers) consider giving us:

More time with you. And more time away from you in other time zones with my mom friends and alcohol.

A visit to the dentist’s office, with reclining chair, soothing music, intravenous Vicodin but no actual dental work.

Could you work on not growing up so fast, overcoming us in height, confidence, and pop culture knowledge, and stop being an expert on uncomfortable things we had no idea existed until we were in our thirties?

When we turn into our parents – please don't tell us. Just laugh at us behind our backs and bond with each other over how frustrating and incomprehensible we’ve become, like we did with your grandparents.

Love each other. Please. Sometimes it’s all you have.

Call me every Mother’s Day until the end of your days, or mine, no matter where you are or how irritated you are with me over the insensitive thing I said / did / told your mother-in-law / tweeted.

Always remember I love you more than anything in the world and I would, on most days, die for you. The day you left home I did.



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