TO: Our parents
FROM: Us kids
RE: Appropriate Seasonal Clothing Contract
Date: January, 2020
Let it be known henceforth:
We, the undersigned, “children” ranging from ages 7-15 years (the sweet spot between drowning and driving), currently residing in your household, do hereby offer the following amended terms regarding the 2020 “Appropriate Seasonal Clothing” (ASD) contract negotiations…
For the purposes of this agreement, “appropriate seasonal clothing” shall be defined as follows:
- Jackets - anything not a “hoodie” or a fleece vest, and that basically makes us look uncool for wearing.
- Coats - As we understand it, this is some heavier and even more uncool version of the above. Maybe comes with buttons, and often seen in “church” or at Grandma’s birthday party.
- Hats - a sweater for the head, in non-primary colors and if we’re over the age of 7, lacking pom poms, unless it’s a pre-approved, overpriced design featuring the Underarmour logo.
- Gloves / Mittens - Cumbersome hand layers clearly designed for skiing or chopping wood in Alaska, not outdoor recess where simultaneous football, basketball, and “girl chase” are involved.
- Boots - Footwear worn exclusively for wading through bacteria infested swamps or overflowing septic systems, or during Weather-Channel-designated Biblical floods as a general rule.
- Layers - Underwear with shorts, or more than one T-shirt, or, a T-shirt with a hoodie. Sometimes two hoodies, depending on girth.
- Pants - something that isn’t gym shorts for boys, or leggings for girls. Again, apparently designed for “church” or someone’s bar mitzvah. Totally foreign and threatening to many of us, especially during puberty.
We agree to consider donning said clothing if and only if the following conditions are met:
You have received at least three personally directed emails from the school principal, or your ex’s divorce attorney, calling you out in the most nuanced, diplomatic manner, for failing as a parent to provide the most basic level of care, re: appropriate dress..
The outdoor temperature is below -10 degrees Fahrenheit and whatever that would be in Celsius. (Don’t ask us, it’s your generation’s fault this country couldn’t get it together to embrace the Metric System. While we’re at it, we might remind you that climate change is also your fault, and a favorite argument for us not wearing seasonally appropriate clothing).
BTW - The “outdoor temperature” shall be defined as the temperature out of doors (not including Bucky'’s garage, the rear school parking lot (aka “Burnouts Paradise”), Amber’s porch, the campus quad, the library foyer, 7-11 or Mr. Dubonesky's shed).
There is a blizzard, with visibility less than five feet, snow drifts of 20+ feet (not sure what this is in meters, again: your fault) and wind speeds of over 100 mph.
Note: “Nor’easters” don’t count
.Note: If the temperature on the school bus is above -10, all bets are off.
If we, the undersigned, for some inexplicable reason, perhaps a recent head injury, ask for more clothing.If you specifically tell us not to wear a coat.If we go to a friend’s house whose parents have somehow brainwashed them into wearing jackets, hats and mittens, and they bully us into conforming.
If you somehow find a cool YouTuber or Tik Tok influencer who’s launched a challenge involving wearing winter “layering.” We’re open for dialogue here.
We turn 18 and you can’t even pretend to control us anymore. Then we’ll definitely ask for the most expensive, warm winter coat available. Canada Goose, I think. Patagonia also has some really nice stuff.
Signed, this 60-degree (Fahrenheit, I think) day in January in the year 2020:
Your Beneficiaries.