Thank you for choosing Camp Adventure Sanity, where your kids have fun, explore the outdoors, build lifelong friendships, but most importantly, sleep out of state for several consecutive days so you can have sex.
Before you embark upon this quiet fantasy you’ve been counting down since January, we’ll need just a little more information about your child. The brief questionnaire below will help us determine your child’s triggers, whether they’re troubled, gifted, or just odd, and whether you’ve ever beaten them - without us directly asking you.
You’ll also need to spend the better part of your work week completing the health, immunization, personal profile, Myers-Briggs, food allergy, gender identification and bully radar forms. Oh, and go find all your insurance cards, doctors, dentists, psychologist, and emergency neighbor contact information (and this year please let these people know that they are, in fact, your child’s emergency contact).
Dads - if you’re still reading, feel free to call another mom in the neighborhood (or perhaps your own mother, if she’s alive) for help. We realize it’s unlikely you have ever seen the above information, much less had any awareness it existed.
We’ll also need the license plate numbers on every car you’ve ever owned, recent photos of any dangerous exes (scanned jpgs please), the names of everyone you might call two minutes before camp ends to pick up your child, and a list of activities that could potentially impact your camper’s sense of worth.
So, sit back, grab a bottle and a working pen!
P.S. these forms were due in March
My child Is attending Camp Sanity
- For the first session only
- For every possible session until the first day of school
- For part of one session, if we promise him a new iPhone
- Wait, I don’t remember signing up for this camp. Did I send a check?
My child can best be described as
- Outgoing and fun
- Wicked and industrious
- Adorably manipulative
- Burdened with all of my and my spouses’ worst character traits
Our family’s child-rearing philosophy can best be described as:
- Free-range passive aggressive
- Hands on until age thirty-four
- Helicopter/snowplow/bulldozer
- Millennial sanctimonious
My child identifies as
- Male
- Female
- Amphibian
- Trumpian
- Khaleesi, Mother of Dragons
Our preferred method of discipline is
- Pretend the behavior isn’t happening, and hope a kind bystander steps in
- Re-direct the child
- Replace the child
- Removal of headphones for two minutes
Please tell us about your child’s relationship with technology
- He only plays with organic, recycled, locally sourced wood blocks
- Is currently coding for Facebook’s new privacy team
- Sometimes unplugs for meals, if cheese is involved
- Just taught me what Tik Tok is
- Has 1.2M Instagram followers and a $3M YouTube deal
Please tell us about your child’s eating habits
- Gluten free
- Guilt free
- Sugar and dairy free unless I’m not there
- Only eats if no one makes eye contact and we address him as “Thor”
In a group activity, my child is most likely to
- Lead the activity
- Retreat to a corner and make Tik Tok videos with his comb
- Pull down his pants and yell, “Fire hose!”
- Mastermind a complete sabotage of all adult planning
Please rate your child’s swimming ability
- Passable, with arm floaties, swimpers, a life jacket and noodle
- Will not go near the water, having seen "Jaws" at a birthday party at age five
- Was privately tutored by Michael Phelps
- Does well in a tub situation, but is prone to “accidents”
Around a campfire, my child is likely to
- Deliberately burn her marshmallow to an ashen cinder, then demand a new one
- Play incessantly with the fire, until you lose your goddamn mind telling him to stop
- Push smaller campers into the flames
- Stare menacingly while repeating, “Capture the flag is for fucking babies.”
Anything else you think we should know?
i.e. Please describe any school “incidents,” criminal history, neighbor wars or weapons training
Can’t wait to see you!